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Big Brother 9 recap–Matt for president? March 20, 2008

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Take heart, Matt.  Sure, you were evicted from the Big Brother house last night, but I see a bright future in politics for you based on what I watched the last couple of nights.

It’s clear that you have a strong, likeable First Lady.  Natalie went above and beyond the call of duty at the Head of Household competition for you.  After the rest of your alliance dropped like flies off of your disco balls, it was Natalie who hung on for five hours, long enough for her to cut a deal with James to save you from probable eviction.  The fact that James went back on his word at the Power of Veto ceremony shows that he has a career in politics too.

Like many politicians, Matt, you can cry on camera.  Sure, it was surprising to see James use his Power of Veto win to put you on the block and take Sheila off of it.  It’s true that there’s a picture of a pink mohawk in the dictionary beside the word “hypocrite”.  I’m not sure if the tears you shed in front of James and the girls of the house were real or not.  If they were crocodile tears in the hope of getting some sympathy votes, you really are a great politician waiting to happen.  If they were real tears, then I have a phone call on line 2 for you, Matt.  It’s Richard Simmons telling you to man up!

You also have a good campaign manager in Adam.  When you were fresh out of ideas and destined for eviction, it was Adam who gave you the pep talk and gave you a pretty convincing argument to use to save yourself.  To paraphrase Janet Jackson–what have you done to them lately?  Yeah, you’re the house villain, but it’s Ryan who took $10,000 from Sheila.  It’s Ryan who threatened Chelsia with eviction.  It’s Ryan who stabbed James in the back.  It’s Ryan who had the secret relationship with Jen.  Yes, you have enough lip for 5 mouths (another sign of a great politician!), but you haven’t betrayed anyone to Ryan’s degree.

Like a good politician, you campaigned very well.  You took a 5-1 vote against you and got your two other votes in Adam and Sheila.  That alone is impressive.  It was up to James to break the 3-3 deadlock.  James had already defined hypocricy by putting you on the block against his word.  He then defined stupidity by voting you out of the house instead of Ryan, who was the chief reason he was evicted in the first place.  Cheer up, Matt.  You’re not the first great politician to lose because of the stupidity of the voters.  And think of it this way–revenge is a dish best served cold.  Now that your buddy Adam is the  Head of Household, James’ dinner might just be on the table.

Tune in next week for another round of power rankings, previews and recaps!  Enjoy!

Survivor Micronesia recap–Help fight Ostenoperosis. March 20, 2008

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Hello, I’m Osten Taylor from Survivor: Pearl Islands.  I was the first victim of a condition known as Ostenoperosis, an embarrassing sickness that usually leads to people quitting reality TV shows before they’re properly eliminated.  Watching Survivor last night, I watched Kathy follow my lead and become this disease’s latest victim.  It’s sad, because Ostenoperosis can be beaten simply by recognizing the symptoms.

The premature “I miss my family” speech:  This speech is a Survivor staple, but it usually comes after the merge.  Longing for home and family too soon, as Kathy did, is your first sign of trouble.  By the way, Kathy, the reason you can’t “feel your family” is because they’re 10,000 miles away.

Constant crying:  She cried like Matt on Big Brother when Jonathan, a man she’s known for 3 days, left the game due to injury.  Living in a cave while enduring the constant Biblical calibre rainfall just kept the waterworks flowing.  This is when a tribal intervention becomes necessary.

Sappy piano music:  It’s common for contestants to complain during the course of the show.  When the producers put that slow, sad, sappy piano music in the background, Ostenoperosis has taken full effect.   

Jeff shows up at your camp:  Probst showing up on the beach to talk to an Ostenoperosis victim is like Dr. Kevorkian showing up in the hospital room of a terminally ill patient.  It’s pretty much over at this point.  Despite Jeff’s best efforts, Kathy left the game and became Ostenoperosis’ latest victim. 

So you’re out on the island playing Survivor and you see someone display some or all of these symptoms.  What do you do? 

Win challenges:  Not even being on Airai, the tribe that has’t been to tribal council yet, could help poor Kathy.  True, they did lose the reward challenge, but staged a stirring come-from-behind victory in the all-important immunity challenge.  Kathy’s case notwithstanding, Ostenoperosis sufferers are usually found on a chronically losing tribe. 

Build a decent camp:  I said in an earlier post that Airai was camp Simpsons compared to Malakal’s camp Flanders.  Building a decent shelter, having lots of food and a good supply of water is a good way to combat Ostenoperosis.   

Get on a tribe with Ozzy:  Being on a tribe with Ozzy can erase a lot of symptoms for this illness.  Yes, Malakal lost the immunity challenge (again!), but Ozzy was the only reason it was even close.  He is the reason the tribe eats so well and has a well-running camp.  All of this, and he was very friendly while taking a shower with Amanda and Ami during their reward.        

Make some friends:  Looking at Airai I would think that James would be the most likely to quit, being on a tribe with 5 women.  Reaching out to Kathy and making friends with her would have helped her immensely.  Kathy was never disliked, but she didn’t exactly have any real friends there either. 

Although Tracy was eliminated from Survivor last night she can hold her head up high, knowing that at the very least she went down fighting.  She tried to get Malakal to see the truth-that Ozzy is running this game and will win if they don’t get him out while they still can.  Sure, she got voted out by a 5-1 margin, but she didn’t quit.  Sadly, Kathy can’t say the same thing. 

I’m Osten Taylor, and I’m on a mission to end the spread of Ostenoperosis.  I won’t stop until I’ve defeated this terrible illness.  Or until it gets too hard, then I’ll just quit.    

Celebrity Apprentice preview–The final four. March 20, 2008

Posted by bluenoser in the celebrity apprentice.
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At the end of last week’s show, the final four were called into the board room.  Trump told them that two of the four would be fired immediately (cue the dramatic music and the overhead shot of the four remaining celebrities looking all shocked and panicky).  The Celebrity Apprentice’s main website, however, suggested the firing would not be immediate; the final four will be given a surprise task first. 

If both statements are true, the task must take place inside the boardroom.  But what could it be?  This is the final four, the cream of the crop, so it should be something really challenging if not impossible.  Trump will probably want to make it entertaining as well, for the sake of his TV ratings.  They won’t want to waste too much of a 1-hour show sitting in a boardroom, so this may be a test of how quickly and effectively they think under pressure.  So let’s see…..in the boardroom, challenging, entertaining, and effective thinking.  I’m just brainstorming here–maybe its one of the following:

  • Come up with a fundraising idea for Eliot Spitzer’s re-election campaign.
  • How much money could you get for Heather Mills in her divorce hearings?
  • Find Omarosa a new line of work.
  • How would you sell soccer in America?
  • Ginger or Marianne?

Like I said, I’m just brainstorming.  I don’t know what Trump has in store for them on Thursday, but I’m standing my prediction of a Carol vs. Piers final two.  Tune in again on Friday for a recap of this week’s action, where you can see just how wrong my prediction will be!  Enjoy!