Reality TV

I’m confused, hurt and heartbroken. Someone needs to explain why I didn’t get a rose last week. Shayne and Chelsea are the final two while Amanda and I were kicked to the curb. Who am I? I’m the turtle you saw Matt swam with in Barbados on Monday night. I think I deserve a rose more than the other three.

Shayne had her one on one date first, a jet skiing trip followed by an intimate dinner. Why do I deserve a rose more than Shayne? Although my brain is about the size of a walnut, it’s bigger than Shayne’s. Don’t believe me? Look at their dinner conversation. Matt decided to see if she was more than just a pretty face. He tried to talk about US politics with her and she had nothing to say. She told the camera that she “didn’t have to prove anything to anybody”. Translation? “I don’t know anything about US politics, I think Barack is that actor who used to be a wrestler and I don’t want to look like an airhead in front of Matt”. Sure, there’s chemistry between Shayne and Matt, but is there any substance?

Amanda met Matt for some zip-lining through the jungle. How sweet—they’re both afraid of heights and went out to conquer their fear together! If Matt stayed with me he wouldn’t have to tackle his fear of heights. Turtles don’t have a great vertical leap, after all. During their date I was afraid I heard a dolphin in pain. But then I realized it was just Amanda meeping her way down the zip line. Quick question, Matt—do you know what sound a turtle makes? That’s right! None! When you compare me to Amanda and her meeps, I think you would agree that silence is golden!

Then came the date with Chelsea, the most painful of all. They went out snorkelling and Chelsea showed Matt all the warmth and sensitivity of a Coke machine. She wouldn’t even hold the guy’s hand! Frustrated with the lack of enthusiasm from Chelsea, Matt turned to me. He dove into the water and the magic happened. We met, and we gazed into each other’s eyes. We swam together. I let him touch me. I came out of my shell for him. Our one on one time was brief, but I gave Matt more attention and affection than Chelsea has for the entire show. If you’re going to kick Noelle to the curb because she didn’t open up to you, what about Chelsea? Okay, okay….she did explain how hard it was for her to open up to Matt when he’s dating 24 other girls, and I get that. But what does she have that I don’t have, besides that negligee she modeled for him in the fantasy suite after dinner?

At the rose ceremony, you gave roses to airhead Shayne who may or may not be in this for career purposes, and to Chelsea, a woman who has shown you less affection than Michael Vick showed to his dogs. Amanda was visibly mad after being eliminated, and I can’t say I blame her (isn’t it ironic that as cold as she was toward him after the ceremony, she was still warmer than Chelsea). But I feel cheated as well. I must admit I’m green with envy. I let you into my world, Matt. I know I’ll want to take things slow but hey, I’m a turtle. I know I have a hard exterior but I’m much softer on the inside. Good luck taking Shayne and Chelsea to London to meet your folks, Matt. I know I’m just a turtle in Barbados, but you don’t know what you’re missing!

Tune in next week for another round of previews and recaps. Until then, make sure you stop and smell the roses! Enjoy!

I know from personal experience that meeting a girl’s parents for the first time can be a nerve-wracking experience, and it never goes completely smoothly.  There’s always a little good, a little bad and a little ugly.  Matt is no exception, except the fact that the poor man had to go through it 4 times (5, if you count Amanda’s prank) in under an hour on national TV.  Here’s a summary of how he fared in each visit:

Shayne               

• The good-Matt met Lorenzo Lamas first, and he asked the question I’ve been wondering for months-is aspiring actress Shayne interested in Matt or the TV camera?  I was so impressed I almost went out and bought the entire Renegade series on DVD.  Almost.  Of course Shayne said that she was there only for Matt, but I still think the question lingers in Matt’s mind.  You know that Shayne has a shot when Matt calls her “monkey” as he leaves for date number two.  
• The bad-First, Shayne’s father’s last name is pronounced “LAH-mas”. “LAAAAAAHHHHHH-mas“.  It shouldn’t take 50 tries to get it right, Matt.  Second, dressing household pets is a big-time pet peeve of mine (pardon the pun).  A dog that looks like a rat on steroids dressed in a pink tutu is not a good way to impress your man.  Unless, maybe, your man is Richard Simmons.  Third, Matt should have it written in the pre-nup that he gets final say on the home décor.  Shayne’s house has so many leopard skins I think I saw PETA protesting outside her house.       
• The ugly-It’s commonly believed that you can get an idea of what a young woman will look like in about 30 years by looking at her mother.  If that’s true in Shayne’s case, there’s no way Matt’s proposing to her.  Yikes!  Her makeup was inspired by Tammy Faye Bakker and she has more silicone than Hewlett-Packard!   

Chelsea 

• The good-She and Shayne were the only two to get a term of endearment from Matt at the end of the night.  Shayne is “monkey”, and Chelsea is “honey”.  Excuse me while I go brush my teeth before I continue.  That skimpy little old western outfit Chelsea wore for him at their photo shoot in town was not only good for Matt, but for every heterosexual male watching at home!             
• The bad-While saying goodnight at the end of the night, Matt called Chelsea’s dad “Kerry”.  He may have told Matt off-camera that was okay, but I know most fathers aren’t cool with being on a first name basis with their daughter’s husband, let alone her new boyfriend.  
• The ugly-Again, it’s the problem with the whole public displays of affection thing.  It obviously bothers Matt, who talked to Chelsea’s mom about it.  She was right when she said that it’s hard for Chelsea to open up to a man dating 25 women at a time on national television, but I think Chelsea’s destiny is to finish third in this competition.  

Amanda 

• The good-Amanda played a prank on Matt, hiring actors to play her parents.  ”Dad” was an insensitive drunk while “Mom” was loud, overly-friendly and hit on Matt big time.  It may have been a bit of a risk for Amanda, but I think it paid off.  Even if it didn’t, it was fun to watch Matt sweat like Wesley Snipes at a tax audit.    
• The bad-Because of the prank, Amanda did not have a lot of one-on-one time with Matt.  I think Matt likes her to the point where she can get away with that, however.  
• The ugly-Matt has concerns about Chelsea and Noelle refusing to open up to him.  If that’s his criteria for selecting a bride, Matt may just cut both Chelsea and Noelle.  We may just see the actress who came onto Matt during the prank get a rose along with Shayne and Amanda.  

Noelle 

• The good-The thing that Noelle needed more than anything is one on one time with Matt, where she can continue to open up to Matt and prove that she’s truly into him (read: smother him with kisses).  She got that in spades this week.  
• The bad-Two really bad omens for Noelle and Matt’s relationship.  First, during the couple’s dramatic entrance on horseback, Noelle was very comfortable and her horse was eager to move forward.  Matt was very uncomfortable and his horse stopped dead in its tracks.  Second, as Noelle’s father pointed out, their dinner looked an awful lot like The Last Supper.  
• The ugly-Noelle had her “dream of marrying an English gentleman dashed forever” (the ABC hyperbole machine hard at work again).  Matt explained that she was too late in opening up to him (read: she didn’t put out enough), and she seemed to know it as they talked after the rose ceremony.  Sadly, she missed a trip to Barbados by thaaaaaaat much.    

So, next week Matt and his harem are off to Barbados.  Stay tuned next week for another round of power rankings and recaps.  Until then, be sure to stop and smell the roses!  Enjoy!