Reality TV

The scene is Malakal beach, after they had lost their fourth straight immunity challenge.  Erik, the last fan standing on Malakal, feels his time is up.  Desperate to save himeslf, he goes to the Ozzfather, petting a rat (since there are no cats on the island), to ask him for a favour.  

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Ozzfather:  Erik, my boy.  I’ve missed you.  As you know the Airai family banished me to Exile Island this week.  It was tough for me to miss the immunity challenge, but hey–at least I got immunity out of the deal, huh?  So tell me–what happened when I was away?

Erik:  (after kissing Ozzfather’s immunity idol–there are no rings on Malakal beach after all)  Pardon me, Ozzfather?

Ozzfather:  Please excuse my voice, I know it must be difficult for you to understand me.  The salt air at Exile Island has made my throat hoarse, and lately I have this overwhelming urge to fill my mouth halfway with rocks before I speak.   So tell me what’s new, my son.

Erik:  Well, I’m afraid we lost the immunity challenge and have to go back to tribal council.

Ozzfather:  Erik, we’re Malakal.  Of course we lost the challenge.  Tell me something I don’t know.

Erik:  I really tried to win that challenge, Ozzfather.  I slammed my chest into the obstacle course for the cause.  But come on–I was up against Jason the gymnastics coach in a balancing contest.  I really wanted that pizza and beer reward, too.

Ozzfather:  Pizza.  You have no idea how much I miss good Italian food.  I’ll only order take-out, though.  A family member had a bad experience in an Italian restaurant 30-odd years ago.  I haven’t been able to go into one since.  But you looked troubled, my son.  What’s wrong?

Erik:  Well, it’s no secret that I’m a target tonight at tribal council.  Let’s face it–I’m a fan in a tribe full of favourites.  I’ve talked to Amanda and Cirie but I don’t think I was able to get through to them.  I know you’re the leader of this tribe, Ozzfather, and I’m pleading for you to save my life.

Ozzfather:  I wish people would stop calling me the leader.  Just because I always get my way at tribal council, make the strategy for the challenges, get the food, cook and maintain the shelter doesn’t mean I’m the leader.  I hate when they call me that.  But I digress.  You come to me, Erik, asking for a favour?  You want protection from me?

Erik:  Yes, Ozzfather.  I would like you to take care of Ami for me.  I don’t think she can be trusted. 

Ozzfather:  Well, there are no horses here, but I could put a rat’s head in her shelter.  Jason has been seen killing them with nothing more than an oar.

Erik:  That would be a start, Ozzfather, but I want you to take her out, for the sake of our friendship.  She’s dishonest, you can’t trust her like you can me, and….

Ozzfather:  (interrupting)  Erik, Erik, Erik….you know I love you like a son.  But Ami has been a loyal friend since the start of the game.  She’s been in on our plans from day one.  There’s no good reason to get rid of her….

Erik:  (interrupting)  …and she tried to take you out!!!!

Ozzfather:  She tried to take me out?  Erik, my little Luca Brasi, you’ve piqued my interest.  Tell me more.

Erik:  Two weeks ago, she approached Chet, Tracey and I about getting together and taking you out.  She said you were too big a threat.  But even with all her talking I stayed true to you, Ozzfather.

Ozzfather:  Do you know what happens to people who try to take out the Ozzfather?  The Ozzfather takes them out.  You have been a good and loyal friend, Erik, and as a reward I will protect you.  You have my word–Ami will be voted out tonight.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take Amanda back to the cave and make her an offer she can’t refuse.

Tune in next week for another round of power rankings, previews and recaps!  Enjoy!