Reality TV

I’m confused, hurt and heartbroken. Someone needs to explain why I didn’t get a rose last week. Shayne and Chelsea are the final two while Amanda and I were kicked to the curb. Who am I? I’m the turtle you saw Matt swam with in Barbados on Monday night. I think I deserve a rose more than the other three.

Shayne had her one on one date first, a jet skiing trip followed by an intimate dinner. Why do I deserve a rose more than Shayne? Although my brain is about the size of a walnut, it’s bigger than Shayne’s. Don’t believe me? Look at their dinner conversation. Matt decided to see if she was more than just a pretty face. He tried to talk about US politics with her and she had nothing to say. She told the camera that she “didn’t have to prove anything to anybody”. Translation? “I don’t know anything about US politics, I think Barack is that actor who used to be a wrestler and I don’t want to look like an airhead in front of Matt”. Sure, there’s chemistry between Shayne and Matt, but is there any substance?

Amanda met Matt for some zip-lining through the jungle. How sweet—they’re both afraid of heights and went out to conquer their fear together! If Matt stayed with me he wouldn’t have to tackle his fear of heights. Turtles don’t have a great vertical leap, after all. During their date I was afraid I heard a dolphin in pain. But then I realized it was just Amanda meeping her way down the zip line. Quick question, Matt—do you know what sound a turtle makes? That’s right! None! When you compare me to Amanda and her meeps, I think you would agree that silence is golden!

Then came the date with Chelsea, the most painful of all. They went out snorkelling and Chelsea showed Matt all the warmth and sensitivity of a Coke machine. She wouldn’t even hold the guy’s hand! Frustrated with the lack of enthusiasm from Chelsea, Matt turned to me. He dove into the water and the magic happened. We met, and we gazed into each other’s eyes. We swam together. I let him touch me. I came out of my shell for him. Our one on one time was brief, but I gave Matt more attention and affection than Chelsea has for the entire show. If you’re going to kick Noelle to the curb because she didn’t open up to you, what about Chelsea? Okay, okay….she did explain how hard it was for her to open up to Matt when he’s dating 24 other girls, and I get that. But what does she have that I don’t have, besides that negligee she modeled for him in the fantasy suite after dinner?

At the rose ceremony, you gave roses to airhead Shayne who may or may not be in this for career purposes, and to Chelsea, a woman who has shown you less affection than Michael Vick showed to his dogs. Amanda was visibly mad after being eliminated, and I can’t say I blame her (isn’t it ironic that as cold as she was toward him after the ceremony, she was still warmer than Chelsea). But I feel cheated as well. I must admit I’m green with envy. I let you into my world, Matt. I know I’ll want to take things slow but hey, I’m a turtle. I know I have a hard exterior but I’m much softer on the inside. Good luck taking Shayne and Chelsea to London to meet your folks, Matt. I know I’m just a turtle in Barbados, but you don’t know what you’re missing!

Tune in next week for another round of previews and recaps. Until then, make sure you stop and smell the roses! Enjoy!