Reality TV

Hi, I’m Paula Abdul from American Idol.  I’m excited to be today’s guest blogger and tell you all about last night’s episode of Survivor.  It was a great episode, which started with the final three back at camp after that tie-breaker at tribal council that resulted in Ozzy being put back in the game.  

Um…Paula?  Last night there were seven people left.  The show hasn’t even reached the final three yet.

What are you saying?

You can’t comment on things that haven’t even happened yet.  And you may want to work on your blogging.  It’s kind of pitchy, dawg.

It’s kind of what?

Yeah, I don’t understand what it means either.  I just had an overwhelming urge to say it.  Just stick to last night’s show, okay?

Okay.  The injuries continued to mount, with James’ finger getting infected and Alexis hurting her knee really badly during a fall.  First Chet hurts his heel, then Jonathan’ leg gets infected, now it’s James and Alexis.  Not that I’m suggesting anything, but Cirie is a nurse, right?  I guess these injuries are nothing compared to what happened to Parvati in the final four immunity challenge.

Paula, you’re doing it again!  Are you sure that’s just water you’re drinking there?

Sorry.  Anyway, Mark Burnett dusted off an old classic for the reward challenge.  The Survivors had to answer questions to see how well they knew their opponents.  Stuff like…who does the most work around camp, who never shuts up, who thinks their in control of the game when they aren’t…you get the idea.  If you get a question right, you got to take one strike at another person’s “statue”.  Three strikes and the statue is gone, as is that Survivor in the challenge.  But wait!  Heeeeeere come the loved ones!  Hugs and kisses all around!  May I just say that Natalie’s mother’s name is Rocky.  After watching Natalie last week that just makes sense to me on so many levels.  Anyway, Alexis won and took Cirie and Natalie (& their loved ones, of course) for a swim in Jellyfish Lake.  How fitting–in about 30 minutes Alexis would be swimming with the fishes again.

Paula!  Don’t make me get cold hearted on you!

Sorry.   Anyway, Alexis had to pick someone to go to Exile Island, where another immunity idol was in play.  She saw Amanda asking to go, so she obliged.  Big mistake.  Huge.  Amanda went to the island and found out that the idol was……buried back at camp under their flag.  Great.  Meanwhile, on a sad note, James was medically discharged from the game since his finger was just too infected for him to continue.  Damn.  I didn’t think he would win, but James is just so darn likeable.  You just hate to see anything bad happen to him.  Now don’t read anything into that ”likeable” comment, folks.  You may hear some things in the media after the show about me and James hooking up, but it’s not true…..much.  We’re just friends…..mostly.

Paula, we don’t have time for your PR stunts.  Rush, rush!

If you didn’t watch any of this series and jumped in at the beginning of the immunity challenge, it would take you about 2 seconds to figure out who was in the alliance and who was on the outs.  The Survivors had high-powered rifles and had to hit one of their three sake bottles hanging on a wall.  The first to get all three would win immunity.  There you go, Cirie…a non-physical challenge that anyone can win.  Enough obsessing with the physical threats, already.  Cheering and clapping were all over the place when one of the women hit their bottle.  The buzz you heard when Erik hit one of his bottles was less than for my Head over Heels album.  The women made it painfully clear…they didn’t want to be forever his girl.  There it was–a non-physical immunity challenge and the girls blew it.  Erik won immunity, and the girls would have to eat one of their own.

It didn’t take long for Amanda to realize that she was the target, since the others saw her as unbeatable in a vote with the final three.  Her only chance?  Find that idol.  She was literally digging for her life under the tribe flag when the scene cut to tribal council, otherwise known as Amanda’s funeral. 

There she was, washed up, everyone saying that they loved her but it was time to go.  They were holding her hand.  They were sympathetic.  But as the eulogy dragged on, you started to suspect it.  You sensed it.  Then, you knew it.  Amanda dragged out the immunity idol, much to the jury’s delight.  If there was any doubt how Amanda would do in a jury vote, their jubilant reaction told the tale.  

A quick count at this time–number of immunity idols successfully played by men in this game….0 out of 2.  Number of immunity idols successfully played by women in this game….1 out of 1.  Is there any doubt that a woman really deserves to win this time out?

Amanda looked dead, then magically came back to life.  She was an afterthought, then was thrust back into the spotlight.  Kind of like my career, except Amanda had an immunity idol while I had Simon Cowell.

Well, that’s it for me.  Stay tuned next week for a recap of next year’s Survivor, which will be held in…..

Paula!  Just say ”may the tribe speak clearly to you”!

May the tribe speak clearly to you!