Reality TV

According to recent sources, Donald Trump is no longer considering letting OJ Simpson compete on the next Celebrity Apprentice series.  However, I can’t help but wonder how that boardroom session might go. 

Fade in to Donald Trump’s boardroom.  An agitated Donald Trump, joined by his daughter Ivanka and guest executive Lance Ito, are looking at their watches and waiting for a late OJ to arrive.   

Trump:  Where is OJ, anyway?   

Ivanka:  Yeah….if there’s anyone used to a timeline, it should be OJ. 

Focus on the boardroom entrance.  The doors open and OJ emerges, running in slow motion over some suitcases that were left lying between the doors and the table. 

Trump:  Where were you, OJ?  You know I hate it when my employees are late! 

OJ:  Sorry, Mr. Trump.  I had to change my clothes at the last minute, and I had AC drive me here in the Bronco.  You know how slow he can drive. 

Trump:  I don’t want to hear any more, OJ.  I’m not impressed.  Speaking of “not impressed”, I have the results from the latest task.  OJ, they’re not good. 

OJ:  Not good for the other team, you mean. 

Trump:  No, not good for you.  Ivanka, tell them how they did. 

Ivanka:  Hydra raised $27,500 during the last challenge, while Empresario raised $27. 

Trump:  $27, OJ!  That’s less than what you’ve paid to the Goldmans!  You were the project manager, Juice….what happened? 

OJ:  Mr. Trump, the task wasn’t exactly one of my strengths. 

Ivanka:  You were selling sports memorabilia!  You are a hall of fame football player!  And you lost to Richard Simmons and LaToya Jackson! 

OJ:  Hey, who cares about the challenge.  Let’s say you and me get together after the show, beautiful. 

Trump:  Not a chance, OJ.  I’ve seen how you treat beautiful blonde women.  Now tell me, as the project manager, how did you manage to lose this challenge. 

OJ:  Simply put, Mr. Trump, Hydra stole some of my memorabilia and stored it at their hotel. 

Simmons:  That’s not true!  But you and your team did bust into our room fully armed and try to steal all of the stuff we collected!  Mr. Trump, do you have any idea how scary it is to be held at gunpoint by OJ, Vanilla Ice and Gary Coleman? 

Trump:  Yes, it’s very traumatizing.  Now stop crying, Richard.  OJ, is this true? 

OJ:  It is not true, Mr. Trump, but if I did it….. 

Trump:  Come on, OJ, all you’re doing is convincing everyone that you’re guilty.  I’ve gotta say, OJ, you’re really behind the 8-ball here.  You have a task that’s tailor-made for you, you get throttled, and you break at least three laws.  I don’t think that even the dream team could get you off the hook this time. 

OJ:  Hey, if you can’t prove I’m a liar, then you just can’t fire. 

Trump:  That rhyming crap may work on juries in LA, OJ, but it doesn’t fly here.  Do we look like Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden to you, OJ?  No-you’re up against real competition this time!  Johnny Cochran is dead, and so are your chances of winning this game.  OJ, you’re fired. 

OJ:  Do you know who I am, Mr. Trump??!! 

Trump:  I have a really good idea, OJ!  Go!  Get out!  Go find the real killers, or make another Naked Gun movie or something!  (to Ito) Now that’s how you dish out justice, your honor! 

As the theme music plays, a slo-mo shot of OJ walking toward the limousine is shown.  The driver, standing outside the car, sees OJ coming and issues him a subpoena before taking off, leaving OJ standing dumbfounded on the sidewalk.