Reality TV

Hi, I’m Paula Abdul from American Idol.  I’m excited to be today’s guest blogger and tell you all about last night’s episode of Survivor.  It was a great episode, which started with the final three back at camp after that tie-breaker at tribal council that resulted in Ozzy being put back in the game.  

Um…Paula?  Last night there were seven people left.  The show hasn’t even reached the final three yet.

What are you saying?

You can’t comment on things that haven’t even happened yet.  And you may want to work on your blogging.  It’s kind of pitchy, dawg.

It’s kind of what?

Yeah, I don’t understand what it means either.  I just had an overwhelming urge to say it.  Just stick to last night’s show, okay?

Okay.  The injuries continued to mount, with James’ finger getting infected and Alexis hurting her knee really badly during a fall.  First Chet hurts his heel, then Jonathan’ leg gets infected, now it’s James and Alexis.  Not that I’m suggesting anything, but Cirie is a nurse, right?  I guess these injuries are nothing compared to what happened to Parvati in the final four immunity challenge.

Paula, you’re doing it again!  Are you sure that’s just water you’re drinking there?

Sorry.  Anyway, Mark Burnett dusted off an old classic for the reward challenge.  The Survivors had to answer questions to see how well they knew their opponents.  Stuff like…who does the most work around camp, who never shuts up, who thinks their in control of the game when they aren’t…you get the idea.  If you get a question right, you got to take one strike at another person’s “statue”.  Three strikes and the statue is gone, as is that Survivor in the challenge.  But wait!  Heeeeeere come the loved ones!  Hugs and kisses all around!  May I just say that Natalie’s mother’s name is Rocky.  After watching Natalie last week that just makes sense to me on so many levels.  Anyway, Alexis won and took Cirie and Natalie (& their loved ones, of course) for a swim in Jellyfish Lake.  How fitting–in about 30 minutes Alexis would be swimming with the fishes again.

Paula!  Don’t make me get cold hearted on you!

Sorry.   Anyway, Alexis had to pick someone to go to Exile Island, where another immunity idol was in play.  She saw Amanda asking to go, so she obliged.  Big mistake.  Huge.  Amanda went to the island and found out that the idol was……buried back at camp under their flag.  Great.  Meanwhile, on a sad note, James was medically discharged from the game since his finger was just too infected for him to continue.  Damn.  I didn’t think he would win, but James is just so darn likeable.  You just hate to see anything bad happen to him.  Now don’t read anything into that ”likeable” comment, folks.  You may hear some things in the media after the show about me and James hooking up, but it’s not true…..much.  We’re just friends…..mostly.

Paula, we don’t have time for your PR stunts.  Rush, rush!

If you didn’t watch any of this series and jumped in at the beginning of the immunity challenge, it would take you about 2 seconds to figure out who was in the alliance and who was on the outs.  The Survivors had high-powered rifles and had to hit one of their three sake bottles hanging on a wall.  The first to get all three would win immunity.  There you go, Cirie…a non-physical challenge that anyone can win.  Enough obsessing with the physical threats, already.  Cheering and clapping were all over the place when one of the women hit their bottle.  The buzz you heard when Erik hit one of his bottles was less than for my Head over Heels album.  The women made it painfully clear…they didn’t want to be forever his girl.  There it was–a non-physical immunity challenge and the girls blew it.  Erik won immunity, and the girls would have to eat one of their own.

It didn’t take long for Amanda to realize that she was the target, since the others saw her as unbeatable in a vote with the final three.  Her only chance?  Find that idol.  She was literally digging for her life under the tribe flag when the scene cut to tribal council, otherwise known as Amanda’s funeral. 

There she was, washed up, everyone saying that they loved her but it was time to go.  They were holding her hand.  They were sympathetic.  But as the eulogy dragged on, you started to suspect it.  You sensed it.  Then, you knew it.  Amanda dragged out the immunity idol, much to the jury’s delight.  If there was any doubt how Amanda would do in a jury vote, their jubilant reaction told the tale.  

A quick count at this time–number of immunity idols successfully played by men in this game….0 out of 2.  Number of immunity idols successfully played by women in this game….1 out of 1.  Is there any doubt that a woman really deserves to win this time out?

Amanda looked dead, then magically came back to life.  She was an afterthought, then was thrust back into the spotlight.  Kind of like my career, except Amanda had an immunity idol while I had Simon Cowell.

Well, that’s it for me.  Stay tuned next week for a recap of next year’s Survivor, which will be held in…..

Paula!  Just say ”may the tribe speak clearly to you”!

May the tribe speak clearly to you! 

I have to apologize for not posting a recap of last week’s action.  I had the computer in my possession but Natalie convinced me that I didn’t need to use it, so I left it at home.  Boy, do I feel silly now!  Seriously, I’m sorry I haven’t posted on Survivor in the last few days.  I just had one of those crazy-busy weeks that unfortunately put the blog on the back-burner.  I’m back now, though, with another round of power rankings: 

1. Cirie-In an unpredictable game, one thing has remained constant.  Cirie has played a very smart game, stirred up a ton of trouble and kept quiet in the process.  If its possible to control the game and fly under the radar at the same time, she’s doing it. 
2. Amanda-She was loyal to Ozzy, but Parvati and Cirie are loyal to her.  She’s in an interesting spot right now-she is on good terms with the two remaining men in the tribe.  Might they get together to blindside one of the girls?  She’s got to know the guys are more trustworthy.
3. Alexis-The good news?  She’s in the “all girl” alliance of 5.  The bad news?  She’s not in the “all girl” alliance of 3.  She and Natalie should look ahead and take out Cirie, Amanda or Parvati before they’re doomed to finish 4^th and 5^th, but I don’t think she’s smart enough to do that.
4. Natalie-The same situation as Alexis, with one difference.  Even if she figures out that Cirie, Amanda and Parvati will get rid of her right after the guys are gone, her obvious man hatred will blind her to the logic of getting rid of “the big 3″ first.
5. Parvati-Yes, she’s in an alliance with Amanda and Cirie, but she’s so untrustworthy right now she may have made herself a target.  The CBS preview says that one person in a power position suddenly finds him/herself fighting for their life.  Could it be Parvati?
6. Erik-Why is he this low in the power rankings?  Simple.  He’s a guy.  The way this season has been going you can’t count anybody out, but his gender has him on the outside looking in right now.
7. James-He’s in the same boat as Erik, but he’s a bigger target since he’s such a physical threat.  On top of that, I don’t think he’s bright enough to realize he could get Amanda and Erik together in an attempt to blindside one of the other girls.  

Which guy will decide not to use the immunity idol this week  person will be voted out of the game this week?  Stay tuned for another round of previews and recaps!  May the tribe speak clearly to you!

There is a Black Widow among the remaining Survivors, according to the CBS website (pardon the pun).  It makes me wonder, who among the 8 players is portraying the 8-legged predator (there’s a coincidence to satisfy the Oliver Stone in you!)?  I decided to do some research on black widow spiders to see if I could get an idea.  Here’s what I found out: 

Only the female Black Widow is dangerous to humans; males and juveniles are harmless.

Wait a minute–only the females are dangerous?  Males and juveniles aren’t?  After Joel, Mikey B and Ozzy were blindsided by the women in the game, I had absolutely no idea!  So you can eliminate James, Erik and Jason from the list of suspects.  One other question-males and juveniles?  Aren’t these two synonymous with each other? 

Female black widow spiders occasionally mate with a male victim before killing and eating them.

Let’s see-Parvati and James have been flirting since day one, and the way Parvati has been playing the game I wouldn’t put it past her to betray him.  If she does, however, James would get one heck of a consolation prize before the tribe speaks!    

Black Widow is considered the most venomous spider in North America.

This clearly would be Cirie.  I can see a really cutthroat side to her that I never saw in Panama.  If there is one person pulling the strings on Dabu beach, it’s her.  That probably means, of course, that she’s the next to be blindsided right out of the game.

Black Widow spiders are not usually deadly, especially to adults, because they inject only a small amount of venom. Bites can range from mild to quite painful.

This clue leads me to suspect Natalie.  Yeah, she’s scheming along with the rest of the group but she’s been more of a role player than a power player.  Her votes could range from mild to quite painful, but she’s not deadly.

The female Black Widow hangs belly upward and rarely leaves the web.

There are no nets to speak of on Dabu beach, but Alexis has been lying on her back and rarely leaving the shelter lately, so maybe this is a clue that she’s the black widow.

The Black Widow is also called the “hourglass” spider.

Well, Amanda is the beauty pageant contestant, and I’m sure Ozzy can vouch for her figure.  After her man was unceremoniously ousted, she may well be working on a blindside of her own (read: Parvati and Cirie).

So who do you think is the black widow?  Who will get blindsided this week?  Tune in again Friday for a recap of this week’s episode!  May the tribe speak clearly to you!

All of the blindsiding, blunders and dissolved alliances are making this a great season of Survivor.  The bad news, selfishly, is that it makes the Power Rankings almost impossible to do correctly.  If you want me to come out and say it, all right….I have no idea.  I write these posts every week and have no clue who’s running the show, who’s in a power position or who (if anyone) can be trusted. 

Sean Kenniff was just as clueless on the first Survivor in Borneo.  He had no idea who to trust, who was lying to him or who to vote for.  Did Sean give up, though?  No!  He had a plan!  He would just vote people out in alphabetical order.  With that in mind, and because I’m just as confused now as Sean was then, I’ve used Sean’s system to compile this week’s power rankings…..probably with similar results.

1. Alexis-It seems like the minute someone looks like they’re in a position of strength, they’re blindsided.  Just ask Joel, Mikey B and Ozzy.  If that is the logic they’re using at tribal council, Alexis’ inactivity throughout this game may make her a millionaire.
2. Amanda-Both in China and Micronesia, she’s been aligned with the power player in the game.  In China, she blindsided the guy with the immunity idol.  In Micronesia, she was blindsided right along with Ozzy.  I’ve always thought that Amanda was a smart player, but I’m starting to re-think that. 
3. Cirie-If there is anyone truly running the game, I think it’s Cirie.  What that means, of course, is that she’s the most likely candidate to get blindsided next.
4. Erik-He’s the one fan who has successfully gained some friends among the favourites.  If Parvati or Cirie are truly with him, Amanda and James, he could go a long way.
5. James-If Ozzy was voted out because he was a physical threat, what does that mean for James?  The poor guy can’t even trust his own girlfriend anymore.
6. Jason-He’s probably the #1 threat to win any challenge now, but he’s short on both friends and intellect.  Just how many lives does he have, anyway?
7. Natalie-It’s appropriate that the alphabet puts her this low on the rankings.  She’s my pick in the office pool, which jinxes her immediately.  Also-she’s pushing for the “girl power” alliance to happen, and I’m not sure that’s going to fly.
8. Parvati-This one may actually be correct.  The Ozzy blindside showed everyone that she’s playing all sides and can’t be trusted.  Can she sweet-talk James into forgiving her?  Will James, now in an alliance with only 2 others, have any other choice other than to take her back?  

Just how wrong will these rankings prove to be?  Tune in later in the week for another round of previews and recaps!  May the tribe speak clearly to you!