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Survivor: Micronesia–show #1 recap February 9, 2008

Posted by bluenoser in survivor, survivor micronesia.
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Survivor logoGoing into any TV show or movie, there are questions that need to be answered.  In some cases, these questions are answered almost immediately after the show starts.  For example, you know 5 minutes in that Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are going to fall in love in whatever movie they’re in.  You know Maury Povich is going to say “You are NOT the father!”, prompting the woman to run off the stage with her face in her hands.  You know that the Pauly Shore movie you’re watching is not going to be funny.
                  
This is not the case with Survivor: Micronesia.  In fact, the opposite is true.  The first episode produced more questions than I had before the show aired.  Questions such as:
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Which two Survivors will have the biggest rivalry?   I’m looking forward to seeing Joel and James test their strength in challenges.  Erik seems to have a bit of an obsession with beating Ozzy.  The most bitter rivalry in episode one, however, was….Fairplay vs. Yao-Man?  How can anyone feud with Yao-Man?  That’s like holding a grudge against Mother Teresa.  Fairplay was a little upset at Yao-Man for tackling him while they raced toward an individual immunity idol.  It’s ironic that Yao-Man, the person who probably needed immunity the least, swiped it away from the guy who probably needed it the most.  He even pointed out the fan’s immunity idol to Kathy, the person who probably needs it more than anyone on the other tribe.  Which leads to this question:
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Who did Kathy embarrass the most?   Let me get this straight.  These people challenging the favourites watch the show.  They are hard core Survivor fans who know every little thing about the game.  Why, then, does Kathy break one of the most fundamental Survivor rules right off the bat?  KEEP.  YOUR.  MOUTH.  SHUT.  Michael Richards’ mouth didn’t cause as much personal trouble as Kathy’s did.  She displayed Archie Bunker-esque diplomacy while addressing Chet’s homosexuality.  Then, undoubtedly like so many high school boys before her, she tried to get on Tracy’s good side by reminding her how physically endowed she is.  So who did Kathy embarrass the most?  That would be Kathy.  Hold on to that immunity idol, girl….I have a feeling you’re going to need it.
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Who has the advantage–the fans or the favourites?   Initially I thought it was the fans, since they know all about the favourites.  But remember–typically the two tribes on Survivor are neighbours much like Homer Simpson and Ned Flanders.  Those in the “Flanders tribe” almost always dominate the challenges and have the numbers when the tribes merge.  The favourites clearly are living in “Camp Flan-diddly-anders”.  The Taj Mahal was built faster than the fan’s shelter.  Thanks to Ozzy’s fishing abilities, food is not a problem for the favourites.  Who needs flint to start a fire when you have Yau-Man and his glasses?  The favourites have been through this before and clearly showed they know what to expect.  The fans won the first immunity challenge, but I can see the favourites dominating from here on.
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Was Fairplay serious or just lying again?   After the fans won the immunity challenge, Jonny Fairplay looked to be working his magic before tribal council.  He started by playing the double agent role, declaring his loyalty to both alliances (Jonathan, Yau-Man, Eliza & Ami vs. James Parvati, Amanda & Ozzy).  He then told Eliza that he wanted to go home to be with his pregnant girlfriend.  A-ha!  A brilliant scheme!  he tugs on some heart strings, one alliance votes for him, Fairplay and the other alliance vote for Eliza.  He pulls off another brilliant lie and gets in good with the alliance that has the numbers.  Right?  Apparently not.  If he was lying, nobody bought it.  In a vote that wasn’t exactly as ckise as Obama vs. Clinton, Fairplay was unanimously voted out, as per his request.
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That’s it for now–tune in next week when I’ll answer more questions, like….what the heck were Amanda and Ozzy up to in that cave, anyway?  Until then, may the tribe speak clearly to you!

How to fix Survivor February 8, 2008

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China logoTO: Mark Burnett, Survivor Grand Pooh-Bah

FROM: Bluenoser, a humble Survivor fan

RE: Returning Survivor to the Nielsen Top-10

Dear Mark:

While I enjoyed watching Survivor: China, there seems to be a downward trend in the TV ratings for your show. I personally chalk that up to four major reasons:

1. Alliances are making the game as predicatable as Stephen Hawking vs. Miss Teen Sough Carolina on Celebrity Jeopardy.

2. The two tribes are as evenly matched as the Harlem Globetrotters and the Washington Generals.

3. Blind tribal loyalty. Every alliance has its doormat, the person who will be the first to go when the alliance is forced to “eat one of their own”. Does that person use their vote to dissolve an alliance, knowing they have no chance to win in their present alliance? No…they stay loyal to their tribe and get rewarded with a fourth or fifth place finish.

4. Not enough fireworks. Let’s face it–everyone loves a train wreck. How else do you explain Britney Spears’ popularity? The first Survivor worked so well because there were fireworks between the contestants. If someone was pissed off they let the world know it, consequences be damned. Now people bite their tongues and fake diplomacy for fear of being voted out. A smart move, but boring TV.

I’m here to help, Mark, with two master strokes that can clean this up and catapult Survivor’s ratings back into the stratosphere.

1. Put all 16 contestants in one tribe from the beginning. Problem 4 would disappear faster than Chicken did in Survivor: China. It’s hard enough for contestants to get along with seven other Type-A personalities. Imagine the fireworks you would have with 16 of them living together! A group like that living in such trying circumstances would make for more fireworks than the 4th of July. Also, since all 16 players are together from the start, the “blind tribal loyalty” problem would be solved.

2. Randomly pick teams before each reward and immunity challenge. This move will address all of your problems. Regarding problem 1, it would be almost impossible to keep alliances intact. What are the chances that all four or five members of any alliance will be on the same side of every immunity challenge? This makes breaking up alliances much, much easier. Problem 2 would be gone, as the teams in the challenges would be different every week. You’re bound to get some entertaining match-ups, and nothing builds rivalries (and destroys friendships) faster than intense physical challenges. When you move to individual immunity challenges you’ll rid yourself of problem 3; there will be no situations with one tribe having “the numbers” over another after a merge. As for problem 4–can you imagine the fireworks at camp after an immunity challenge? Half the tribe has to suffer the humiliation of leaving for tribal council while the other half relaxes back at camp. The gloating they’ll have to endure before they go won’t feel so good, either. Eventually their relationships will make Trump and Rosie look like Romeo and Juliet.

Don’t get me wrong, Mark…I still like the show and haven’t missed a season yet. I’m just a fan who would like to see Survivor return to the heights from which it has recently fallen. May the tribe speak clearly to you!

Sincerely,

Bluenoser

Handicapping Survivor: Mirconesia February 8, 2008

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Survivor logoIf the Super Bowl is over, that must mean another episode of Survivor has begun.  I’ve given up trying to predict what will happen, but can guarantee that Natalie will not win.  Why?  I gave her the kiss of death by picking her in the office pool. 

What I can do is choose who I’m cheering for to win.  How?  By making assumptions about these complete strangers based on a photo and a brief profile.  Hopefully my homework will help you make a blind assumption, too! 

Have fun watching the show, and may the tribe speak clearly to you! 

Fans

Alexis

Why root for her:    She lists Shakespeare as her favourite author and also likes travel magazines.  She’s either very diverse or a good liar; either one is good for this game.

Why root against her:   She cheers for the USC Trojans.

Burning question:      Is it strange that an apparently huge Survivor fan would not mention the show among her favourite TV programs?

Chet

Why root for him:     He’s an animal lover who has rescued dozens of otherwise doomed pets.  It’s tough not to root for a guy like that.

Why root against him:   He coaches beauty pageant contestands, which is fine, but I want him gone the minute he starts talking like Miss Teen South Carolina.

Burning question:     If he’s around long enough, is a Miss Survivor: Micronesia pageant inevitable?

Erik

Why root for him:     Anyone who lists “beer pong” as a favourite sport to play has to have at least some personality.

Why root against him:     He says he can be a leader or a follower.  I just sense he could be one of those “alliance doormats” (read: Denise from Survivor: China) who remains loyal, only to be rewarded with a 4th or 5th place finish.

Burning question:     He studies religion and works in Hell, Michigan.  Is that funny or should I be afraid of him?

Jason

Why root for him:     He seems like a bright enough guy and he does volunteer work with kids, so that’s cool.

Why root against him:     He’s previously worked as a nude model, so he must be comfortable with that sort of thing.  I really don’t want to see anyone pull a Richard Hatch during the show.

Burning question:     He studied Spanish in school, as did Alexis.  Mary has lived in Equador.  Will the SAP service on my TV become obsolete by the end of the show?

Joel

Why root for him:     He’s a fireman and a committed family guy.

Why root against him:     It goes against the nature of a guy from the Pacific Northwest to cheer for anyone who went to Arizona State University.

Burning question:     He looks like a big, strong guy.  Could there be some epic challenge showdowns between Joel and James?

Kathleen

Why root for her:     Maybe rooting for a golf course worker will give me good karma on the links this summer.  I need all the help I can get.

Why root against her:   If she makes the merge, she’ll get to help name the new tribe.  The woman named her dog Wilson Von Barkypants.  ‘Nuff said.

Burning question:     One of her favourite scents is gasoline.  Will we see during the game if she’s maybe sniffed a little too much of it?

Mary

Why root for her:     She works in real estate in the United States.  The way the housing market is right now, I may have to root for her out of sympathy.

Why root against her:     She’s a Raider fan.  Then again, that may mean that I’ll have to root for her out of sympathy.

Burning question:     She says she will win because she is “able to put people together”.  Does that mean we’ll see an immunity challenge involving Mr. Potato Head?

Mikey B

Why root for him:     Looking at his profile, he may have that endearing “average joe” quality.

Why root aginst him:     He’s a fan of Boston sports teams.  If you haven’t been around one lately, they can be quite annoying.

Burning question:     Like Kathleen, one of his favourite scents is gasoline.  Did Mark Burnett hold his tryouts at a Texaco station or something?

Natalie

Why root for her:     Easy–she’s my pick in the office Survivor pool.  I’ll be rooting for her for financial reasons.

Why root against her:     One word she uses to describe herself is “bitchy”.  That’s a trait that can get you voted out of the game in a hurry.

Burning question:     What kind of person lists sweating among her favourite pastimes?

Tracy

Why root for her:     Just like Mary, she works in real estate.  She may need the million dollars more than anybody else.

Why root against her:    If her favourites page is any indication, I won’t understand a word she says.

Burning question:   Liontaming as a favourite pastime?  Are you kidding me?

Favourites

Amanda (Survivor: China)

Why root for her:    She didn’t win, but you have to respect how well she played in China.

Why root against her:     My Survivor pet peeve is people who don’t abandon their alliance when it’s clear they can’t win with it.  That was Amanda’s mistake in China.

Burning question:     She and James got to know each other very well in China.  Will she see James as an ally or someone to vote out quickly?

Ami (Vanuatu)

Why root for her:     You have to respect anyone who sticks their neck out and actually plays the game, as Ami did in Vanuatu.

Why root against her:     The leader of the female alliance came of as a little too arrogant for my liking.

Burning question:    Eliza is the one that shattered Ami’s stranglehold on the game in Vanuatu.  Time for a little revenge?

Cirie (Panama)

Why root for her:     It’s easy to root for Cirie, Survivor’s “ultimate underdog”.

Why root against her:     If she plays the whole underdog act up again in Micronesia, it could get old un a hurry.

Burning question:    Cirie’s so darn likeable, and she lost 30 pounds after learing she was going to be on this show.  Can a commercial with Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli be far behind?

Eliza (Vanuatu)

Why root for her:     I’ve had a soft spot for her ever since she broke up the “all-girl” alliance in Vanuatu.

Why root against her:    As long as she never speaks, there’s no real reason.

Burning question:     After she back-stabbed her allinace last time, can she be trusted?

James (China)

Why root for him:     James is easy to cheer for as it is.  The fact that Rocky is among his favourite movies shows he’s got taste, too.

Why root against him:     He’s a good guy and a physical threat, but he hasn’t proven that he has much of a game, as his immunity idol gaffe illustrated.

Burning question:     How did this big tough guy, a grave digger who owns a pit bull, get hooked on The Young and the Restless?

Jonathan (Cook Islands)

Why root for him:     He’s smart, plays to win and his commentary is gold.

Why root against him:     He’s a little mouthy and arrogant for some people’s tastes (not mine, mind you).

Burning question:     Jonathan is ready and willing to speak his mind.  That’s great television, but can he hold his tongue and stay out of the doghouse this time?

Jonny Fairplay (Panama)

Why root for him:     Every good show needs a good villain.  Can you think of a better one?

Why root against him:     Are you kidding?  He’s Jonny freaking Fairplay!

Burning question:     Which relative is going to suddenly die this time around?

Ozzy (Cook Islands)

Why root for him:     Is there anyone you would rather watch in a challenge than Ozzy?

Why root against him:     I personally don’t like someone making it to the end of the game based only on their strength in challenges, like Ozzy did in the Cook Islands.

Burning question:     How in the name of David Blaine can anyone hold their breath underwater for 3 minutes?

Parvati (Cook Islands)

Why root for her:     She’s a boxer, so if Fairplay annoys her enough, Survivor fans may see the beatdown we’ve been waiting for.

Why root against her:     I’m not a big fan of the whole “flirt to get ahead” strategy she used in the Cook Islands.

Burning question:     I didn’t realize she was a Survivor favourite.  Is she really?

Yau-Man (Fiji)

Why root for him:     I have a soft spot for the older contestants, and what’s not to like about Yau-Man?

Why root against him:     I don’t know how you could.  I would almost feel bad if I did.

Burning question:     Yau-Man’s “Mr. Nice Guy” routine won’t work twice in a row.  Does he have enough wrinkles in his game to see him through this time?