Handicapping Celebrity Apprentice

You know a TV show is desperate for ratings when they resort to celebrity appearances. Such is the case with The Apprentice, which recently announced teh 14 C-list celebrities that will grasp for another 15 minutes of fame in January. The only thing more depressing than a celebrity reality show is that I’ve heard of all but 2 of the contestants. That, and the maddening fact that I know I’m going to watch it. Here’s how I handicap the field:

Trace Adkins (country music singer)

Why he’ll win: Because Ladies love Country Boys, and Donald will, too.

Why he’ll be fired: He’ll assume that Celebrity Apprentice Ain’t No Thinkin’ Thing.

Outlook: If he thinks he’s got a chance, he’s Dreamin’ Out Loud.

Carol Alt (model, puck bunny)

Why she’ll win: She’s hot. Donald has his reasons for owning the Miss Universe Organization, and I don’t think they’re all financial.

Why she’ll be fired: You gotta question the judgement of a woman who hooks up with Alexei Yashin, a guy who didn’t exactly define commitment during his NHL career.

Outlook: Alt, who has now hooked up with two NHL hockey players, will get distracted during a task at a New York Rangers game at Madison Square Garden. This lack of focus will get her fired.

Stephen Baldwin (Alec’s brother, actor)

Why he’ll win: He’s always on these celebrity reality shows and never does well. The law of averages says he has to win some time.

Why he’ll get fired: If his choices during the game mirror his movie choices, it’s only a matter of time before he slips up.

Outlook: Once The Donald figures out that this isn’t the guy from The Hunt for Red October he’ll get upset and fire Stephen in frustration.

Nadia Comaneci (Olympic legend)

Why she’ll win: Didn’t you see her in Montreal in 1976? She’s perfect!

Why she’ll get fired: Really–how good can someone from a communist country like Romania do in a game that’s all about capitalism?

Outlook: To use gymnastics terms, she’ll nail the routine but I don’t know if she can stick the dismount.

Tiffany Fallon (Playboy playmate)

Why she’ll win: She’s hot. Can Donald not find a smart businesswoman for his show who isn’t at least an 8 out of 10?

Why she’ll be fired: She’ll turn down Donald’s request for some “private boardroom time”.

Outlook: Donald’s libido will make sure she’s around until at least the second half of the show.

Jennie Finch (softball player, hottie)

Why she’ll win: She’s hot. Do you think she’s on the show because she can pitch a softball over 70 mph?

Why she’ll be fired: Trump will be disappointed to learn she is married and has a dependent baby.

Outlook: In the business world, where pressure is a constant and she’ll always have 2 strikes against her, can she show us that she has any balls?

Nely Galan (TV producer, businesswoman)

Why she’ll win: She hasn’t merely participated on a reality show before–she’s produced one (The Swan). She’ll use that experience to her advantage.

Why she’ll be fired: In one of themost colourful boardroom moments ever, Nely will verbally attack Trump in a Ricky Ricardo-esque rant, not knowing that he is fluent in Spanish.

Outlook: Galan Entertainment has a developmental deal in place with NBC, so you figure out how she’s going to do.

Marilu Henner (actress, talk show host)

Why she’ll win: When in a tough situation, the former “Taxi” star can ask herself “What would Alex Reeger do?”

Why she’ll be fired: When in a tough situation, the former “Taxi” star can ask herself “What would Tony Banta do?”

Outlook: If she can handle having Louie DePalma as a boss, Donald Trump is going to be child’s play for her.

Lennox Lewis (underrated heavyweight boxer)

Why he’ll win: If he can have a boxing career without a rap sheet, a divorce or a paternity suit, he’s capable of anything.

Why he’ll be fired: Trump’s Taj Mahal casino lost a fortune when Lewis lost to 20-1 longshot Hasim Rahman a few years back. Call his firing a revenge tactic.

Outlook: He’s a good Canadian boy (well, sort of) so how can he go wrong?

Piers Morgan (token British judge on America’s Got Talent)

Why he’ll win: He’s hot. No, seriously….he was on the British version of this show, so maybe the experience will come in handy.

Why he’ll be fired: He’ll use his nit-picky British accent to criticize Trump’s hair once too often.

Outlook: Thinking Trump may be German, Piers will try to bribe him with an autographed photo of fellow Talent judge David Hasselhoff. Trump will fire Piers…..but keep the photo.

Omarosa (professional Apprentice contestant)

Why she’ll win: Experience. She’s done this before and she is a legitimate businesswoman.

Why she’ll be fired: Donald will remember why he fired her the first time.

Outlook: She played this game against genuine business people and lost. If she can’t beat a bunch of C-list celebrities at her own game, it’s time to find a new game.

Tino Ortiz (mixed martial arts fighter)

Why he’ll win: Easy. He’s intellectually and physically superior to everyone else in every way.

Why he’ll be fired: He won’t be! Tino is obviously the best man for the job–he has no equal in that boardroom.

Outlook: He’s a dangerous man who can snap me like a twig. I’m making him my favourite to win it all, just in case he actually reads this.

Vincent Pastore (TV mobster, reality show staple)

Why he’ll win: The Sopranos’ “family business” will ensure his victory.

Why he’ll get fired: Doesn’t everyone on “The Sopranos” get whacked before it’s all over?

Outlook: He dropped out of “Dancing with the Stars” after just one week. How long can we expect him to last with The Donald?

Gene Simmons (former rock singer, current reality show staple)

Why he’ll win: Because when you take on Gene, you take on the entire KISS Army.

Why he’ll be fired: If Donald hires Gene, he may be forced to renew that reality show of his for another season.

Outlook: Ivanka may arrange to keep him around long enough to get some makeup tips from the KISS lead singer.